World Sexual Health Day 2019, 4th September 2019
Schedule sex, does that mean our relationship is doomed?
“Sexuality Education for all: a bridge to sexual health.”
This year is all about the importance of comprehensive sexuality education (CSE) for all age groups and contexts. The aim is to emphasize that people of all ages and backgrounds should have access to sexuality education.
What is the most effective sex tip you have given?
Q. We have both been so busy lately the only time we seem to have sex is when we actually schedule it into our calendars. If it is not something we have accepted in our calendars we either hit our pillows and pass out or I go to bed exhausted first and he comes to bed later. It makes me feel like we are doomed. Help are we doomed?
A: This is linked to one of the most common questions I get - should we schedule sex? How do we schedule sex and not get in a rut? The thought of scheduling sex scares people they believe that if they’re not having spontaneous sex, something must be wrong with their relationship, or with their sexual chemistry or that their relationship is doomed. Some even see that making the decision to schedule sex feels like an admission that their sex life is officially doomed. So, is it?
He’d like our sex life back, but I feel no desire.
When people find out I am a sexologist - sexuality educator I get some odd questions. Though the most common question I get is what is your most effective sex tip? It is simple and one of my favourite topics.
Touch, Touch more.
Sounds simple doesn’t it? Yes, but touching more often in your relationship has the power to transform your sex life. If you are thinking about spicing up your sex life, you may be thinking blindfolds and other things inspired by 50 shades and touch is probably not the first things that comes to mind. Most people think they need to do more elaborate stuff but it really can be a simple as starting with touching more.
Where can abused men get help?
Q Brett and I (early 30s) have been together for 6 years, and have two children (3 and 1). Brett’s a wonderful guy who works hard, is great with the kids, and is loving and supportive of me. He’s been very patient about my lack of interest in sex, but I know he’d like our old sex life back. I love him, but feel no desire. Help.
A You are going through one of life’s most profound transitions. Regardless of age, becoming a parent changes you as fundamentally as adolescence did. Your hormones and your lifestyle have been disrupted. Things will never be just as they were, any more than Brett is likely to rekindle his passion for Spider-Man, nor you, for princesses.
Sexual self care is knowing sex does not have to be spontaneous.
Q: On June 30 you attempted to take gender out of a discussion on controlling behaviours and domestic abuse, but the bulk of the piece seemed aimed at women. It is less common, but men can also be psychologically, physically and sexually abused by women. Where can they go for help?
A: Society does tend to see women as victims and men as perpetrators. So many women are dying at the hands of their male partners that public attention and resources are, quite rightly, focused on that sector. By mentioning the high rate of male suicide I was attempting to broaden our understanding of the negative effects of domestic dysfunction.
Sexual self-care means communication & patience.
Spontaneous sex is a romantic notion that modern life does not always allow and health challenges chuckle at. Make a date and commit to it, manage your time, your energy and your connection in the lead up to it. Place a priority on your connection and your pleasure. Talk about it and what you are ready for before hand. It tell your partner what your boundaries are and it also builds anticipation.
Remember life happens so it is OK to change plans but try not to make it every time – that’s not priority or commitment. Start small.
Isiah McKimmie’s podcasts have graciously been shared with the Bliss Community. We love her work and we are grateful that she is allowing us to share her podcast through Bliss. In this podcast Isiah will talks about How and where to start when you haven’t had sex in months or years.
Sexual self care is valuing your pleasure.
This refers to communication with your health professionals about treatment options and sexual function outcomes or problems you are having. It also refers to communication with your partner. Sometimes sex is hard to talk about, family, religion, cultural norms etc.. can all impact on how comfortable we are talking about sex. Communication is key. Learning to work together is an important part of sharing pleasure. Patience is with yourself, your partner and your health professional. We are all human and this is hard, but worth it.
Communication takes work. A lot of it. How often have you walked away from a conversation with your partner feeling angry, disappointed or misunderstood especially when it has to do with sex? How often have you said things you regretted, things that hurt your partner unnecessarily? How often have you wished for more open and honest communication with the person your intimate partner?
About Last Night: How can I stop feeling lonely and miserable?
Pleasure is the ultimate form of sexual self care or self care in general. Pleasure is an important part of a happy healthy life and a priority in general self care and sexual self care. It encompasses all the points before it and more.
Valuing your pleasure is a part of valuing, accepting and loving yourself. It can be a great way to support your mental health. Having said that it can be hard for many women to stop and take care of themselves first because we are taught to take care of others.
A bad BDSM experience has shaken me up
Q: I’m 30, single, and live alone. My job brought me to Melbourne, where I don’t know many people. I mainly work from home and, when I do go into the office, people are friendly but much older than me. How can I stop feeling lonely and miserable?
How do I move on from a bad relationship?
Q: For years I’ve enjoyed BDSM play but a recent bad experience has shaken me. I hooked up with a guy, who seemed to be an experienced "top", and we negotiated a scene together. He was able to take me deep into "sub" space and I enjoyed pushing my boundaries. When it was over though, he just went and had a shower. I asked if I could shower too and he handed me a towel and told me he was calling me a taxi. I felt shell-shocked and bewildered by the way he just cut me off.
Since my marriage ended I miss hugs, cuddles and affectionate contact
Q: I’m struggling to let go of my ex, and am allowing him to keep mistreating me. We agreed to part in February, but I’m drawn to him. He doesn’t want contact but I keep persisting, so he relents and we see each other and are intimate. That comforts me, but then it’s over, and I feel even worse. It’s an awful cycle of disrespect, to both myself and from him. How can I move on?
How to handle the laws of emotion.
Q: My marriage ended eight years ago. I’ve seen a few women since, but nothing developed. Recently, I’ve tried a dating site. I’ve had coffee with a couple of people, but again, nothing clicked. Now in my 50s, I realise I’m fairly content with life as it is, apart from one thing. I’ve always been a very tactile person. I’m not so bothered about sex, but I miss hugs, cuddles and affectionate contact. I enjoy a regular massage, but that’s a commercial, clinical arrangement. Any suggestions?
5 Reasons Physical Touch is So Important
Q: Sam and I have always worked on our relationship, reading books, and attending workshops and seminars. We've resolved a range of problems over the years, but there is one destructive pattern that seems impossible to change. Sometimes, something is said or done that triggers an extreme reaction in one, or both of us. The anger, fear, and blame expressed is so intense you'd think we hated each other. What's going on?
Touch is a sense that in today’s busy digital age we are engaging in less and less. This arguably plays a part in the increase in loneliness, mental and emotional health issues of today. Despite the many positives that technology has brought to our lives or innate need for connection has not evolved to the point where touch is no longer needed for our physical and emotional health – no not even robotic sex dolls can replace consensual, pleasurable human touch. Physical touch is vital for our health.
A favourite topic of mine.