What can you include in your definition of sex?
We don’t often stop and think about what our definition of sex is or question it. So, take a moment and ask yourself what is my definition of sex? What activities are included in that definition?
Now say you try using this definition of sex - anything that brings you sexual pleasure, what kind of activities would you include?
Here is a short list of somethings you could include.
- Penis-in-vagina penetration
- Penis-in-anus penetration
- Finger-in-vagina penetration
- Finger-in-anus penetration
- Sex toy-in-vagina
- Sex toy-in-anus
- Mouth to vulva
- Mouth to penis
- Mouth to anus (rimming)
External stimulation (also includes different types of oral sex)
- Hand to vulva (your own hand or your partner’s)
- Sex toy/vibrator to vulva or penis
- Hand to penis
- Hand to outside of anus
- Tribbing (rubbing of the vulva on another person or object), includes scissoring.
- Mutual masturbation
- Solo masturbation
- “Dry humping” with clothes on
- Breast stimulation
- Sensual/erotic naked massage
- Deep kissing/making out
- Naked cuddling and non-genital touch
- Watching porn
- Reading erotica
- Listening to audio erotica
- Phone sex
- “Skype sex” over video.
Does this seem like a long list to you? Is there anything you would add?
This article is about explaining how expanding your definition of sex to include a range of different activities that bring you pleasure can be a self-affirming and positive experience. There really is so much more you can do that doesn’t just involve a penis in vagina.
Now onto the why expanding your definition of sex is such a positive thing.
Makes sex more exciting
When your definition of sex expands, you can include all the things that excite you. This helps to prevent boredom in the bedroom and will help you look forward to having sex. If you know that the sex is going to be fun, you’re more likely to want to have it again and again.
Hands up who read the list of sexual activities got you excited and started thinking about what they would like to do, what they forgot they enjoyed so much or got curious about something on the list?
It decreases performance anxiety
By expanding your definition of sex, you take the pressure off yourself and your partner to perform. It also takes the pressure off trying to fit into a specific sexual script or meeting unrealistic expectations. Sex is not a predetermined to do list that you have to follow every time. You don’t have to go from kissing, to touching breasts, to touching the vulva, to vaginal penetration. You can do what feels good for you and your partner in that moment.
It improves intimacy
By expanding your definition of sex, you can improve the intimacy in your relationship.
If you stop thinking about sex as a narrow to do list that you do the same way every time and you allow variety or novelty into the experience, you will engage sexually with your partner more often. No one likes to do the same thing all the time it gets boring – yes even when it comes to sex. And the more you have sex, the more intimate and connected you will feel, especially if your love language is physical touch.
It can lead to more orgasms
By expanding your definition of sex, you will have more orgasms, especially if you have a vulva. The reality is that 75% of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone and need to have external clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. This is the norm. There’s nothing wrong with you if you can’t orgasm from penetration alone.
Oral sex and other forms of external stimulation are not just small steps of foreplay on the way to the main event of penetration. We really do have it back to front in that foreplay is when we play and have fun and explore, whether you have a penis or a vulva. It really needs to be priority and enjoyed as a main event right alongside penetration. Those of us with a vulva more than likely need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, so why is it not held at the same level of priority as penetration.
You can choose whatever you like on the menu, there’s a buffet of options!
It switches sex acts from being a one sided pleasure or things for keeping score.
By expanding your definition of sex, you will stop thinking about giving and receiving pleasure as a balancing act, something we keep score on or must reciprocate or feel guilt when we don’t.
Satisfying sexual encounters do not need to end in an orgasm for either person. You can experience pleasure, intimacy and connection by “giving” someone for example oral sex even if you don’t have an orgasm.
By expanding your definition of sex, you can improve your pleasure, and the intimacy and connection in your relationship. The other bonus of taking some time to rethink your definition of sex is that it can increase the quality and quantity of the sex you’re having.
Disclaimer: The information contained in this document should be read as general in nature and is only to provide and overview of the subject matter. Please read product packaging carefully and follow all instructions. Seek advice specific to your situation from your medical professional or mental health professional. Safe - Sane - Consensual