Q: My partner and I have been together for years. Sex is important to us and we understand that things change including things relating to sex. So, we would like to know how we can make a good sex life even better between us as life changes. We would like to learn more about each other, increase our connection and have more fun.
A: Thanks for your email and it is fantastic that sex is a valued part of your relationship. I love that you are continually looking for new ways to connect. That is an important aspect of any long-term relationship whether sex is involved or not. So here are 5 ways to build that connection, continue learning and have more fun.
1. What does intimacy mean to you as individuals and as a couple?
Different people can have different definitions of this, and it is important to understand what your definition is. Then as a couple work out what it means for you in your relationship. That will help you understand as a couple what level of connection, emotional, physical etc that you are working towards. It can help to talk about the best sex you have ever had together, how that felt in the moment and afterwards? As with goal in life you need to understand what you are aiming for in order to achieve it.
2. Communicate during sex.
Tell your partner what you would like them to do to you when you are having sex, communicate what is working and yes what isn’t. Talking is a great way to not only build connections but to turn up the heat and fun. You can talk dirty, you can tease them with dirty talk but if that is not for you, keep it simple and use you favored terms of affection, nicknames, or tell them simply when something feels good. Talking dirty can be intimidating for some so it is ok to start simple and build up when and if you are ready. Research has proven that couples who talk during sex have better sex so however, you do it, talk. And ladies "the best predictor of female orgasm in young women is the number of sexual experiences with a partner."So more talking and more doing.
3. Look into my eyes
One of the quickest ways to build a connection is to make eye contact with people, including during sex. It is common in social situations to accept the one where we are closer to a person than at any other time, during sex. Very few people make sustained eye contact during sex. OK so don’t all of a sudden one day start staring at your partner the whole time you are having sex if it not your normal behavior they may think something is up and may even be a little scared by you. Try building up slowly, building up to longer periods of contact. Once you feel more confident and they are comfortable keeping your eyes open during orgasm can be mind-blowingly intimate.
4. Who’s in charge here?
The simplest thing you can do when playing around with who is in charge is to have one person declared the boss for the evening. Make sure you have boundaries agreed and consent first. This is not cut blanche to do whatever you want it is about two people respectfully, safely and consensually mixing things up. If you have questions or you are concerned about how to go about this, do your research or make an appointment to talk things through with our resident sexuality educator. As a sex geek, I can help you understand what you want, your boundaries and work out what you want to achieve as a couple. Having someone place control of their person in your hands is a massive compliment and should be just as humbling as it is empowering. You need to understand that they are putting an amazing amount of trust in your hands by allowing themselves to be so vulnerable. A lot o fun and intimacy that can be built in these moments and they should always be done Safely, Sanely and Consensually.
5. Slow things down
Really slowing down and taking your time with each other is a great way to feel more present in the moment and more connected with each other. Move your way through each activity slowly. Think of it as going to a delicious multicourse dinner rather than a quick stop at the corner fast food restaurant, slow down and savor each other.
You could take this to the next level and rule out either of you having an orgasm. So that the final desired of that multi-course meal is not allowed in this session. You have to wait. The slow intensity, the control, and anticipation will build connection and can be a whole lot of fun that spills over into the next session.
These are only a couple of ideas. Remember however you choose to increase the connection and the fun in your relationship, always remember safe, sane and consent.