Q: “I'm usually a pretty talkative, assertive person outside of the bedroom, but the second clothes come off, I freeze. When I'm having sex with my partner, I completely lose the ability to talk. My partner tries so hard to get me to talk and let them know what feels good or want, but I just can't do it. I don’t understand it, I don’t get why I’m like this? How do I get the courage to speak up, how on earth do I find words in the situation?”
A: First things first I want you to know communicating inside of the bedroom is really hard. You are not alone in that a lot of people struggle to communicate and the length of the relationship is not a factor in that.
A common challenge is knowing what you actually like and want. Do you feel like you have a good idea of what you like and want during sex? Knowing how to give feedback to your partner can be easier if you have a clear idea of what you like and want. So, if you are not sure than I definitely recommend making some time to explore your body to find out what works for you.
The next step is communication strategies. First off, start talking about sex with your partner outside of the bedroom. Try talking about sex, things like reminiscing about your favorite sexual memories together with your partner. You could kick the conversation off by opening up these conversations via text. Many people find it easier when the ice is broken by text, a little boost of courage that helps you talk in person too.
Another time you may find it easier to talk about sex is right after you’ve just had it. It can feel a little easier, little less scary to talk about something you have just had fun with. Not in the middle of the sex can feel less overwhelming. Talking after sex you have specifics that you can share with your partner something like, “That position was a lot of fun. Let’s put that on the do again list.”
Do you spend much time having deep conversations with your partner about things other than sex? You could try warming up to talk about sex during sex by having quality conversations. Our bodies need time to warm up before having sex, you could say so does our mind and mouth. It can be as simples as lying in bed with your partner talking about your days. Communicating and bonding in that moment may make it feel easier to talk during sex.
You are not alone in finding it hard to talk about sex.