Q. We have both been so busy lately the only time we seem to have sex is when we actually schedule it into our calendars. If it is not something we have accepted in our calendars we either hit our pillows and pass out or I go to bed exhausted first and he comes to bed later. It makes me feel like we are doomed. Help are we doomed?
A: This is linked to one of the most common questions I get - should we schedule sex? How do we schedule sex and not get in a rut? The thought of scheduling sex scares people they believe that if they’re not having spontaneous sex, something must be wrong with their relationship, or with their sexual chemistry or that their relationship is doomed. Some even see that making the decision to schedule sex feels like an admission that their sex life is officially doomed. So, is it?
In fact, the people who schedule sex tend to be dedicated, and thoughtful partners that place a priority on making the relationship work and understand that sex is an important part of that. A part of the education that I do is to let people know that sex is never really that spontaneous at any stage of a relationship even the beginning.
How does that work you say? At the beginning of your relationship, your entire relationship is foreplay. Anticipation is something that builds in between the times you see each other at your next planned date. By the time your planned date comes around you are distracted by the anticipation, and you put a lot of effort into preparations. Then comes the date and the whole time the anticipation is building until the time when you can get naked together.
There is a whole lot of planning, preparation and anticipation happening in that short scenario there is nothing “spontaneous” about it. There are hours, days sometimes weeks of planning and anticipation for your date, a date that you carefully scheduled. Even as the relationship progresses, you still schedule time together, happily put effort into prioritising, carving out time for each other and scheduling your sex life.
In those stages, none of it feels hard or like an effort. The effort itself actually feels exciting. Got to love all those happy hormones that you are running on then.
Once the relationship is more established, that effort starts to feel like work. It feels less exciting. Does any of this sound familiar? Truth is, no matter what stage your relationship is it doesn’t have to be that way. You can make scheduling sex feel like a lot of fun. If you do it right it can be one of the best things you could ever do for your relationship.
Truth bomb time - Do you or do you not schedule things in your life that are important to you? You do. We all schedule things make plans for things that are important to us.
Why should sex be any different?
If your relationship is important to you. If connection and intimacy are important to you. Then No, scheduling sex into your busy week does not mean your relationship is doomed to fail. It means that it is a priority for you and every time you set that time aside you are telling each other that your relationship is important. So look at that time in your calendar and remember that and let the anticipation, let the excitement build and enjoy that time together knowing how important it is to both of you.