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Self-Pleasure 101

Posted by Bliss Team on

Q: I am 45 years old and I have never masturbated. I would not even know where to start. My husband would be so upset with me if he knew I was asking this question because he will think I am not happy having sex with him. I am just wondering if there is something else to sex the way we have always done it or even if masturbating would answer that. I guess I will never know if I don’t try. I want to try, could you please tell me where to start?

A: Thank you for your question, there is so much information I could give you. I will however stick to the direct question that you asked. I do encourage you to find a sexologist that you can work with on all the parts of your question.

I have written many articles about masturbation and how to do it, or things you can do to make it even better. Generally saying, I’m a big fan of self-pleasure as are the Team at Bliss. You are not alone in not having any experience with masturbation, many people have received messages all their life that say masturbation is bad or unnecessary if you are in a relationship. Masturbation is natural and making yourself orgasm or experience pleasure is natural, and it is a compliment to your relationship.

Many women who have received negative messages about masturbation from a young age and well into adult years. These messages elicit feelings of shame and guilt (often somewhat associated with religion or the fact that female sexuality and pleasure is played down in society), it can impact a woman’s ability to reach orgasm and women who just don’t feel the desire to pleasure themselves at all. All the above feelings are completely normal and, if they resonate with you, believe me; you are not alone.

Here are 3 simple self-pleasure tips for you and other women that are interested in self-pleasure but don’t know where to begin:

1. Set some time ALONE.

Yes, I know alone time as a Mum, partner, working woman with a social life, a family life and a to do list longer than your arm is tricky. If self-pleasure is important to you, then it’s time to schedule it into your calendar and put it at the top of your to-do list. When you’ve set aside the time, turn your phone off, settle down in a comfy spot and get naked (or as naked as you are comfortable with). Once you are comfy start with some relaxing breaths, if you like music you could play some of your favourite relaxing music or if you like erotic stories something like Dipsea with audio erotic stories could be perfect. It’s time to focus on you and your pleasure.

2. Use a quality lubricant to massage your vulva

An Oil based lubricant such as WOO Coconut Oil Love Oil Organic Personal Lubricant it smells luscious and feels amazing. Put some in your hand and begin massaging it into your vulva. Take the time to notice what feels good for you. Every body is different when it comes to self-pleasure. Do not compare yourself to anyone, or anything else. You are unique and so is your vulva and pleasure. Explore how your vulva reacts to different touch; fast, slow, rough, gentle – do what feels good for you.

3. Clitoris is Key.

After exploring your vulva with a massage, you may be feeling turned-on (or not, either way you are taking time out for YOU, and that’s what counts). Take your fingers or a vibrator and focus on stimulating your clitoris. Did you know the clitoris is the only organ in the human body that is solely there for pleasure? Most women orgasm by directly stimulating their clitoris, so it’s important that you know how your clitoris likes to be touched, massaged, and played with. By exploring you will find the kinds of touch that create sexual pleasure for you. You may find that this gets you close to orgasm, or you may find that you like how it feels to play with your clitoris but not be able to orgasm. This is common and normal and if you don’t orgasm that’s completely ok! Being too focused on the goal of orgasm can make it hard to reach. So, remember the point of this exercise is to get to know the most intimate part of your body. Regularly practicing what brings your pleasure, what feels good, how your clitoris likes to be touched you maybe surprised at how it contributes to your overall feeling of happiness and wellbeing!

Other articles on masturbation and self-pleasure;

Stuck at home, 7 quiet toys to try.

Self Love is the Most Radical Form of Self Care - 5 Health Benefits of Masturbation

May is about Self Love - Masturbation - Pleasure Practice - Self Care!

Our 9 Best Sex Toys For Female Masturbation 

Self Love - 5 Health Benefits of Masturbation



Jodie West - Sexologist

Disclaimer: The information contained in this document should be read as general in nature and is only to provide and overview of the subject matter. Please read product packaging carefully and follow all instructions. Seek advice specific to your situation from your medical professional or mental health professional. Safe - Sane - Consensual 






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