This could be a long one. Do not let your definition of sex be defined by porn or what you see in Hollywood romance movies.
Sex and pleasure are a smorgasbord and you get to choose what works for you. You can even change your mind and/or go back for seconds. Its all the fun, pleasurable, cheeky, exciting stuff you can get up to before orgasm, before intercourse and even before your clothes come off. It is pleasure in whatever form that takes for you.
Once you understand that sex is broader than many people think it opens up a whole new world to explore. Then the trick is to be able to communicate that to your partner(s).
It is safe to assume that most of us are pretty good at communicating in most situations in life. We are taught from a young age how to communicate what we need and want. Then there is sex and we are for the most part not taught about and not all that great at. Research (Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy) tells us that sharing sexual needs and desires with your partner positively improves relationship satisfaction.
If we acknowledge that we aren’t very good at communicating when it comes to sex, why is that? It is the limited sex education we allow in schools and it is the fact that we are not much better than our parents in communicating about sex, sexual health, and good relationships. We don’t have the language to communicate effectively so we are basically fucked and not in a fun way. So, we do not have the skills or the language to get what we want in bed. If we can do it in a relationship, we are safe and comfortable then how can we do it in a setting like a professional or medical setting.
Fear of being judged
In my experience, many people avoid talking to their partners about what they want in bed because they fear embarrassment and fear judgment or rejection. That or people don’t want to hurt their partner's feelings.
What if we are let down? what if our partner is not open to talking to us about our desires or our needs? What if they think I am strange? What if the act of trying to improve things makes them worse? Why try to fix it when we may just break it more?
I firmly believe that developing good communication skills around sex, and sexual wellness is key to sexual health and long healthy sex life. It is important for you to be able to communicate about sexual wellness when communicating with medical or health professionals. It's also important for both partners to speak up about the things they want to experience and to make a normal part of your relationship.
Avoiding the awkward
Reframing the way we think about sex or talking about sex is the first step in opening up the conversation. Acknowledging that it is an uncomfortable topic for most people, and you don’t have to be perfect at it. When you don’t have practice with communicating sexual needs, you’re not going to be perfect at it straight away. That is OK and that is part of being human. Take it slow, keep and, an open mind and keep trying, keep practicing it will get better.
Be positive
Have faith in your partner, they are in this with you and chances are they want to do all they can to please you when it comes to sex. Start positive, give your partner a compliment. For example, if you want more oral sex, tell your partner that oral sex with them is fantastic! Followed by telling them you want more of it. If it is more foreplay that you think it is very sexy when they tease and build your pleasure/anticipation before intercourse and you would love it if they did more of that. Or how fantastic it is when they make you orgasm before intercourse and how much better intercourse feels when that happens.
It is important to create a space where you both feel safe and free from judgment. We all love to be complimented and they want validation.
Practice, Practice
This is not a one-time conversation it is life long conversation that can be a very fun and pleasurable one if you let it. Check-in with your partner regularly be it weekly or monthly or whatever works for you. This is an ever-changing and ongoing process. Sexuality is never static and that is part of what makes it so interesting and so much fun.
Check-ins are designed to talk about your current sex life as well as what you are interested in doing more of or what you would like to try. Make it a game if that works for you.
