#1 Believing conventional advice about orgasm
Whenever you read articles about female orgasm online and in magazines, they say things like:
“Don’t think about it”
“Have a glass of wine”
They make it seem so easy, like it should just happen. Even effortless.
It is messages like this that reinforce the idea that women are passive during sex. That we are just waiting for an orgasm to happen. Being passive is not exciting or enjoyable. Being passive can actually feel frustrating because nothing is happening, anxiety inducing because it makes you worried that nothing is ever going to happen and my personal hell, it is boring.
It’s important for you to understand that orgasm is an active process, not a passive one.
It’s not something that happens to you, it’s something that you make happen. make happen
You have to put in the effort. Like anything good that you put effort into in life and get a positive result from is more satisfying. Making orgasm happen for yourself is far more satisfying and empowering than just waiting for it to happen.
Know that experiencing pleasure, intimacy and connection throughout the experience is as important as an orgasm. Taking the pressure off the need to orgasm can sometimes help you be in the moment more and experience the sensations more intensely.
#2 Faking orgasms
If you follow that conventional orgasm advice, orgasm is just not ever going to happen for you. Most women get really freaked out when they don’t orgasm easily and effortlessly, so they start faking orgasms.
Faking often feels like the best option. You don’t want to hurt your partner's feelings and make them think they aren’t “good in bed”. You want it to seem like things are “clicking” between the two of you, like you have good sexual chemistry. You don’t want to acknowledge that orgasming with a partner is a struggle, so it feels easier to fake.
But faking is not a good solution, for so many reasons.
For one it is totally unsatisfying. Not only are you missing out on the pleasure an orgasm but the actual act of faking itself can feel soul crushing.
You can lose touch with what actually does feel good for you which make the chances of an orgasm even less likely. You also prevent your partner from learning what you like, what they do that brings you pleasure and what doesn’t quiet do it for you.
Resent can creep in because your partner gets to experience pleasure and you don’t.
Stop faking orgasms. There are lots of ways to do this, depending on your particular situation.
Here are a couple of quick examples:
If you’re with a new partner, you could try, “Just so you know, it takes me a while to orgasm with a new partner. It’s not a big deal to me, but I just wanted to give you a heads up.”
If you’re with a long-term partner you could try, “I’ve been noticing that what I like in the bedroom has been changing lately. I am curious to explore some new things together. What do you think?”
The best first step for you to take right now is to stop faking it, to be willing to start working on having real orgasms, to not blame anyone including yourself and to be open to exploring for yourself what brings you pleasure.
#3 Persisting with intercourse even though it is uncomfortable or painful.
Many women are shocked to learn just how common pain with sex is. 75% of women will experience dyspareunia (American OBGYN) at some point in their life. History and society have taught it is just part of being a woman.
One very common reason for this is low levels of natural lubrication.
Lubrication is important to prevent excessive friction during intercourse. Some reasons why it can be lacking are;
Lack of arousal, so jumping into intercourse before your body is ready.
Differing times in your cycle
Slow down, extend foreplay. Take time to kiss, touch, massage, clitoral stimulation, oral sex etc. Slow down. Talk to your partner about what is working and what is not while you are enjoying the lead up to intercourse.
Try incorporating clitoral stimulation into your foreplay or even during intercourse. The Bliss Journal has articles on how to do just that.
If something hurts, stop. If it is not a form of pleasurable pain you have agreed to prior to starting then it is your body letting you know it needs something. Stop, try lubricant, change positions, try using an Ohnut, try another type of foreplay or intimacy (yes even if you have started intercourse, it is OK to stop as many times as you need to), talk to your partner.