How do I tell my partner I want to use sex toys at the same time we have sex? I don’t want to hurt their feelings. This is a very common question.
1. Bringing up the subject of sex toys.
Toys are fun, you had fun with them when you were a child, sometimes you played alone and sometimes you shared them with friends. When someone shared their favorite toys with you as a child it was good to be trusted and fun. Simple right?
Well, adult toys are much the same. Sometimes you play alone and sometimes you share them with someone else. You share with the person you trust and hopefully, they can see that you are trusting them with something you enjoy and that in itself is a compliment. Your partner wanting to share an adult toy with you is a compliment. Adult toys are both a compliment to your existing play as well as a compliment that you trust the other person, the toys are not competition for that person.
2. Go in clear with your what and why.
Think about what you want to say, what you want to use and why. Think about what is working in your relationship and how having your favorite toy involved or exploring new toys together will enhance that.
If you are looking for a couples toy you could try the Sync by We-Vibe which is by far the most popular couples toy around. If you are looking for something you can use together during in the lead up to intercourse but could also be used to stimulate your clitoris during intercourse and hands-free try the Eva by Dame.
This is something that applies to all aspects of your sexual relationship. Good communication is key. So what does that mean;
a. it means picking your time, bring it up when you are feeling sexy and you are both in the mood;
b. don’t drop it like a bomb, take it easy, use this blog to kick start the conversation, don’t force it;
c. Be open and honest about your desires and interests and be open to hearing your partners.
d. It is a judgment-free zone, so do not use blaming language and remember it is hard for most people to talk about sex there can be a lot of shame around that so don’t judge.
e. The most important part of communication is listening. So as much as you want to include your favorite vibrator make sure you listen to your partner when they are speaking, not spend the time formulating your response. This builds connection and having a conversation like this can be incredibly sexy.
4. Focus on the positive
An add on to the no judgment is when you are speaking to your partner focus on the positives. Don’t use language that implies that the toy does a better job then they do. Explain to your partner how much fun you have when you are together and how good they make you feel. When you explain what the toy does, link it with something your partner already does when you play and please oh please do not say BUT or It would be soooo much better if you …………… When you link the toy and the action your partner does, use AND so you are adding to the fantastically sexy thing they already do. Need an example, “I love it when you are inside me and you play with my clit but if we add vibration using the Eva 2 I think it would be amazing and leave both our hands free to explore more.” That way the toy is the complement to what you already do and is not replacing anything or anyone. Remember toys are a compliment, not competition.
Part of being positive is being prepared to reassure your partner that there is no problem with your sex life. Remember not everyone is comfortable talking about sex and it can come with some pretty hefty bouts of shame attached so be prepared to counter any fears that may come up and don’t be offended by them. The two toys linked earlier in this article are non-phallic but having said that there are plenty of others in our shop.
Like there is no judgment, there is no pressure. Don’t put pressure on your partner to include toys in your play. That is not getting consent and I am sure you wouldn’t like it if someone forced you through guilt into doing something you didn’t like. (OK as women that is something that has happened historically but we know better now and we don’t correct mistakes by inflicting the same on others). So no pressure it may take some time for your partner to warm up to the idea and that is ok. Instead, suggest an erotic massage – who knows that maybe when you introduce a personal massager like the Lily 2 by Lelo by using it on shoulders or non-genital parts of your or your partner's body.
5. Go shopping together.
Hope online check out our shop and do some research together, see what you are both interested in, have chats about it all with your clothes on and without any pressure. Fantasies can flow from there and you may be surprised at how comfortable you can get approaching it this way.
I have said it before and I will say it again, toys are a compliment, not competition. A vibrator like the Uma by Je Joue is nonphallic and can be used on other parts of your body, other than your genitals. It can be used on your partner too, even a male partner. Using Uma on his penis, testicles or perineum or even around his anus can be incredibly pleasurable. Tor 2 by Lelo is a great cock ring in that it vibrates so not only does it enhance his erection but it can also be used to stimulate your clitoris, it can be used as a clitoral vibrator even before it goes on his penis.
If your conversation about sex toys relates to minimizing any pain you have with intercourse an allowing the possibility for you both to explore sex more pleasurable The Ohnut may be what you talk about as well as maybe talking about a personal massager you can use on each other and your clitoris during intercourse.
Sex Toys are a compliment, not competition. Experiment, have fun, don’t be afraid to have a laugh and always communicate with each other.
Remember when you play always be Safe, Sane and Consensual.