Q: I've been with my partner for a couple of years. I feel horrible saying this, but sex is a bit boring. Don’t get me wrong we love each other very much. What are some simple ways we can break out of our rut?
A: Thanks for asking the question. It is not easy to speak up and ask. I also want to tell you that it is very common for couples in long term relationships to feel as though their sex routine has become predictable. Many people want to spice things up in the bedroom but don’t know where to start. They can find suggesting new things intimidating let alone actually doing them. As Bliss’s resident sexologist I am here to help and show you that it is not as hard as you might think to bring fun back into your sex life.
1. Keep it simple
My favorite mantra when starting to change things up in the bedroom – Keep it simple. Small changes, simple changes can bring about big results. They can be just what you needed or a great catalyst to more, but in the beginning, keep it simple. Spicing things up or making your sex life more fun does not have to be elaborate or intense. No, you do not have to go full out BDSM dungeon, sex party or sex kitten. Here are three small, simple, fun ideas that can try:
Don’t wait until bedtime to have sex, try a different time of day, or have sex at the beginning of date night.
Try a new position, that could be pillows under you bum to create a new angle in your trusted sex position or it could mean trying a new space eg washing machine quickie or kitchen bench fun.
Try an impromptu quickie even if it means you could get caught in the shower together. It is exciting and even if you don’t get to finish it may just set the stage for later.
2. Pick a sense.
We have five senses and playing with them can be lots of fun. You can use your five senses as a way to brainstorm ideas to changes. Playing with your senses is an easy way to spice things up in the bedroom. Here are two ideas you can try;
· Sight – you can have sex with the lights (you can just have a lamp on, your space doesn’t have to have every light on) so you can see each other, you can make eye contact while you play. Alternately one of you can be blindfolded (with consent) to take away the sense of sight which can heighten other senses like touch.
· Touch – Leading on from the blindfolding, the partner that is not can experiment with different forms of touch using fingers, mouth, feather etc. The switch on that is that person blindfolded can use their hands, mouth or body to explore the person that is not blindfolded.
3. Maybe baby.
Do you have a list of things you think you would like to try or a list of maybes’? It is not uncommon in a long-term relationship to be only suggesting things you know you will both like. It’s scary to step outside what you know is safe, it makes you vulnerable and can lead to conversations that are not that easy to have. So, we stick to the path most traveled.
How do you know if you like something if you have never tried it? If there is something you are interested in even a little, eg you may have been curious about 69 positions for years but hadn’t known how to tell your partner it interested you. You may like the idea do being dominated and want to learn more about that with your partner but are scared of what they might think. You can learn more by chatting with educators such as me in an online session. Whatever you maybe is it is worth bring it up with your partner, learning more about it together if they are interested too and giving it a go. You may have fun even if you do not end up doing it all the time and having it as a regular go-to activity when you have sex. It could just be a novelty after all novelty is the spice of life.
4. Forbidden Fruits
A fun way to bring back passion is to forbid certain things for a short set period of time. Pick something that you and your partner default to when having sex like say missionary position……. Now forbid it for a month, so the rule would be you can’t have sex in missionary for a month. The simple one is to only allow kissing for a week, and you make a point of making time to make out, it will be a fun, sexy week until you are allowed to have sex again. Want to upgrade the challenge, you are only allowed to orgasm through mutual masturbation, not penetration or solo masturbation, only mutual masturbation.
5. Introduce a new friend
Now in this instance, I am not talking about introducing a new person or people. That is a topic for a future article. I am talking about toys.
We stock a great range of quality toys and products to fit everybody. In one on one consultations, I can give you access to toys and products we do not stock in the main shop but that might fit your interests. You can check out our list of toys that are great for female masturbation but can also be used in coupled play. Then you have the option of exploring couple's toys, different lubricants, massage oils and other liquid goodies, restraints systems (watch this space).
As with any sexual activity, whatever tickles your fancy make it SAFE, SANE and CONSENSUAL.