Q. I met this man at a Christmas party and I really like him, we have been on a date since the party and we had a lot of fun. I haven’t dated for longer than I care to say so my question is how do you know if we are sexually compatible?
Thank you, for your question and it is exciting to hear that you are ready to date again. Your question is a common one and an important one at this time of the year when it can be easy to get swept up into the excitement of the holidays and heat of the summer. Being sexually attracted to someone does not always guarantee that you will be sexually compatible.
Sexual compatibility is more than how frequently you each want to have sex or things you like to do in the bedroom.
Things like are you both into the same shade of vanilla or the same shades of the rainbow or the same level of kinky? These play a role in the idea of short-term compatibility but long term there is more to consider.
Our sexual interests, desires or sex life, in general, is not a fixed state. It changes throughout our life. It is not possible to say that you will always have sex 3 times a week or that your form of rough sex will always be at the top of your turn-ons list. A long-term consideration is personality traits and there are 5 particular ones that are typical of sexually compatible couples.
Here is a quick rundown on each of those for you to consider;
1. Respect the other’s needs.
We are all individuals and that extends to sex. Sexual compatibility is not about being interested in the exact same things at the exact same time. It is about being open to and accommodating of each other’s needs. It is about treating your partner's needs with the same amount of respect that you want your needs to be treated with.
Sexually compatible couples genuinely care about their partners needs so they are open to trying something new that they had not considered before. They are open to being intimate even when they are feeling a little tired. This is done not because they feel pressure or obligation, rather because they care about their partner’s needs.
2. The others pleasure is important to them.
In an extension to respecting their partner's needs sexually compatible couples also care about their partner’s pleasure, just as much as they care about their own. They focus on each other and are invested in making sure their partner enjoys sex, even if that means if the pleasure is solely their partners.
3. Quality over Quantity
Quality sex over sheer quantity of sex is key. If you are having quality sex then quantity or frequency will flow from that. I have to say that I often get asked “how much sex should we be having?” so if this is a question that you have you are not alone. Compatible couples are more about great sex than having how much sex they are having. They also understand that the frequency of sex varies through life, but whether they are having sex 1 a fortnight or 4 times a week they focus on the quality when they do. Life happens so frequency can change but the focus can be on quality.
I say it a lot, I know but communication is a necessary and important part of any healthy relationship. It is especially important when it comes to sex, it is a skill many of us have to work on. Communicating about consent, boundaries, needs & desires are a key part of a compatible couple. Good communication is talking about the good times as well as the awkward times, it is being open to giving and accepting feedback from your partner. You can read more about sex and communication in other articles in the Bliss Journal.
5. Put in the effort.
Whether you are together for months or a lifetime keeping your sex life hot over the course takes a whole lot of effort! Willingness to put effort into keeping their sex life arousing, interesting, romantic and intimate is my top trait of a sexually compatible couple.
Great sex is something that we create.
No one person is perfectly compatible with another. No one person is going to meet all your needs – sexual or otherwise. Small differences or incompatibilities are not going to spell the end of a relationship if there is respect, openness and communication of both your similarities and your differences potential for a happy relationship are on the cards.