A: I think I need a holiday to get over my holiday, we have been non-stop. I thought having a holiday would mean I had energy for sex. Instead I feel like I am heading into the new year with work and I am still too tired to have sex. To be perfectly frank I am tired of being too tired for sex?
Q: Does this sound familiar?
It’s 10:30 at night. You’re exhausted. You have a long day behind you, and a long ahead of you tomorrow. You muster up the energy to get ready for bed sporting your favorite oversized oh so comfy and worn in t-shirt and groan as you lay down in bed and pull the covers up. You look over and your partner is already laying down and they looked as exhausted as you do.
Your to-do list is scrolling through your head and is growing every minute you stay awake. You know that if there is a 50/50 chance your brain will wake you up with that same to-do list at 4am but you will be too exhausted to get up and instead will fitfully doze until the alarm goes off. ‘Shit! What time do I you need to set the alarm?’ Stop, sleep, arrrggghhhh!
Now, I can pretty much guarantee you that like many other people this is also the time you will be thinking to yourself that you ‘should’ be having sex with your partner. Almost all couples tend to leave sex until the very end of the night. You are physically and mentally shattered. The only reason you are still even partly functioning is because of the stress hormones pumping through your veins right now. And this is the time you’re also supposed to be thinking about having sex with your partner? Take a moment to think about how insane that is!
There’s so much stacked against you as a couple in that moment... it’s a miracle any of us ever end up having sex when we live life like that!
I hear a chorus of “we do not have enough time in a day to have sex!”
You are not entirely wrong, but that is true when you leave sex until the very end of the night. You are literally running on empty. It becomes a trade-off between sex and sleep. On the other hand if you were to look back through your evening, go back a few hours were you cooking and eating dinner, wrangling the kids, or wrapping up some last-minute work emails. Question, how much time were you zoned out in front of the TV, lost in your phones, or going down the internet rabbit hole (zero brainpower required right!) and 5 minutes later turns into 10pm and no energy.
See there is the ah-ha moment, you do have enough time and energy to connect with your partner the trick is not to waste time on the wrong things. You do get a choice of where you place you focus your energy and how you use your time. It may feel like you don’t but in those phone, tv, internet moments you do have a choice.
So, here’s the trick - take ownership of your time, and prioritize time with your partner as earlier in the evening. Examples of times that you could choose to spend time with your partner could be when you both get home from work or once the kids have gone to bed, or yes even at a previously agreed scheduled time. Whatever that time is get yourself into the bedroom together, close the door, leave all your distractions on the other side (no phone and phones outside the room on silent), and just spend time together. If sex happens great, you have the time and energy for it. If it doesn’t that is OK too, you can still have quality time together, reconnect – intimacy doesn’t have to equal sex.
It is a small change in behavior and mindset that can truly transform your sex life, and your relationship. Prioritizing time together is sending yourself and your partner the message that your relationship is important. That intimacy is worth prioritizing over the latest episode of your favorite show.
Give it a try and let me know how you go!
(If your energy levels are concerning you then please see a doctor.)